Il Ritorno

I left Italy in 1991 and didn't return again until 2011. It was a sad year, my husband had died and I felt like Vesuvius herself had burned everything I loved to the ground. I felt like a person in pieces and I was missing myself. When you have a dream for the future that involves another human being and they are suddenly gone, all your plans disappear. There's a sense of confusion as to who you are now as a person. I traveled my whole life and moved every few years so I was used to reinventing myself, in some ways I always looked forward to starting over, but this time really derailed me. After being in my small town for a couple of months after his funeral I couldn't take the stares of pity or the whispered condolences anymore. I felt a real longing for a return to myself but was also confronted with the very sobering fact that life is short. Everything felt like an evaluation. Was I really doing what I wanted to be doing? If it all ended tomorrow what would I regret? Italy was very much on that list. I promised Angela at twelve that I'd be back and we'd be reunited but I never accomplished this. I kept questioning what was I waiting for? The right time? Enough money? Would there ever be a right time? So I went back.

Going back as an adult, seeing Italy for the first time with adult eyes was a strange feeling. I had a different sense of the landscape and history. The monuments had a greater impact on me. Everything seemed so majestic but made me feel more like a tourist than a local that sees them every day. I realized I was a small-town Italian girl having never left Pinetamare much. I took a foray into Pozzuoli, Naples, and Salerno every now and then but I had never really traveled outside my small corner of Italy.

This time I decided to spend time in Rome, Capri, and Anacapri before finishing up in Castel Volturno to spend time with Angela and explore Caserta. I strolled the lit-up streets of Rome at night and explored the Colosseum by day.

I visited the Vatican city and wandered the side streets finding amazing cafes and gelato spots. I felt inspired to create something and took photos of everything, something I had put aside for some time. As a young person I had wanted to be a writer and photographer and this seemed like the perfect time to brush off the cobwebs.

Capri is the most amazing place I've been in the world to date. I thought if I encountered Frankenstein we might fall in love the place is so romantic. The sunsets and ocean views gave me back my breath, after holding it for so long, like one long punch to the stomach.

I rested in the sun, swam in the pool, ate dinner on the balcony, and was at peace. I jumped on a boat ride that took me on a tour around the island with a fun local Italian that knew how to encourage the group to loosen up, dance, and have fun. I traveled up the Mount Solaro chairlift which was both terrifying but wonderful. It was more than I expected it would be.

Finally, Angela and I were reunited after all our years apart. It was the most surreal moment and after all that time but it felt like we had never been apart. We laughed, stayed up late talking, cooking, playing games, playing guitar, and singing. Castel Volturno had changed immensely and the changes were sad ones, but it still felt like home. It smelled like home.

Angela took me to Caserta and we walked the streets and visited the Palace grounds, with its miles of fountain. I saw Angela's family - the parents, sisters, nieces, nephews, and the old cousins that used to offer me rides on their mopeds as kids. Everyone was still there welcoming as ever. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't communicate well and when Angela's mother told me she was sad that I forgot the language and that, "my Italian was so beautiful," I was crushed! I knew I had to learn the language again.

Some moments in life bring a sense of clarity, a return to one's roots. I never felt like I had roots being a military child. In fact, it was very difficult making friends and acclimating to new people and places but Italy always felt like home for me. It was in 2011, when I returned to Italy, that I realized I wanted to work with the Italian language, culture, and history in some way. This is what led to my slow return to school so I could work toward my degree in Classical Archaeology. We only have one life and that year I chose to work toward my passion instead of playing it safe and living a life I was half vested in.